..to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded
February 3 2011 at 10:12pm Report
Dowry is an ancient custom in which money, goods, or estate are demanded or requested during marriage. All though the dowry was legally prohibited in 1961, it continues to be highly institutionalized. The groom often demands a dowry consisting of a large sum of gifts and monetary funds. When the dowry amount is not considered sufficient or is not forthcoming, the bride is often harassed, and made miserable.
Many people are unaware that dowry still exists in the Indian society; most people thinks dowry is simply a myth and only is demanded for in India.
I would like to tell you a storey; a story that confirms that dowry does still exist!
Not only does it exist in the villages of India but some people have carried this ritual over to Canada as well. The reason I am willing to share my grief with you is to make you aware of the type of people that are still living in Canada today in the 20th century. Your daughters, sisters, cousins, nieces or your best friends could possibly be effect or hurt by this stone aged custom. I want everyone to be aware of my situation; an engagement could have been avoided if I knew this type of stuff still existed.
I never believed in dowry until it happened to me!
OCTOBER 11-2010 /Thanks Giving Day! The day my life came crumbling down on me!
This is hard for me to accept, and even harder to admit too!
But now I can officially say Sunny Sran has royally screwed my life up.
October long weekend, Sunny and I had to go see wedding photographers, so my parents invited his parents over for lunch, our parents spent a couple of hours talking about how house holds should be run, his mom “Pinky” told my mom that daughter in laws and your own daughter should always be treated differently, cause your daughter is your own family and your daughter in law isn’t, and she is responsible for everything in the house, and that should be made clear the day the daughter-in-law moves in! Then pinky went on and was says “the day Sundeep moves in, her and Sunny have to start paying rent to live in our house right away!” My parents were shocked but kept quiet. Later Sunny and I came back and his parents got ready to leave, as they were walking out the door Sunny’s dad handed my mom a white envelope.
The next day my mom sat my entire family down, and explained she was going to let us read something but we weren’t allowed to freak out, she explained how we needed to discuss this as a family first and we need to decide how we are going to reply to this letter.
The letter read as follows (word for word)
Maamaa jee= Gold Karha
Maamaa jee= Gold Karha
Taya jee= Ring
Chacha Jee= Ring
Chacha Jee= Ring
Phuffar Jee= Ring
Phuffar Jee= Ring
Massar Jee= Ring
Massar Jee= Ring
Massar Jee= Ring
Sister=Chain
Mother=Set
Father=Karah
(13)
1) Grandma + Grandpa Suites
2) Grandma + Grandpa Suites
Ladies Suits
4 Bhua Jees
3 Massi Jee
4 Cousin sisters
1 Taijee Jee
1 Chachee Jee
With All mens shirts and $50.00 each for their kids
FULL BED ROOM SUIT WITH MATRESS (Sundeep’s choice)
EDMONTON PARTY will be shared on July 10th,2010
Movies and Photos will be shared
FROM JASWANT SINGH & FAMILY OCTOBER 11,2010
Soon as I read this list I lost my mind! WHO IN CANADA ASK FOR THIS KIND OF STUFF! DOES SUNNY NOT HAVE A BED AND A MATTRESS FOR ME TO SLEEP ON?? AND WHY SHOULD WE PAY FOR HALF THE RECEPTION IF WE ARE BRING 50 PPL OUT OF 500 PPL!! AND I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET HALF OF THESE RELATIVES ON THE LIST CAUSE SUNNY’S FAMILY DOESN’T EVEN TALK TO THESE PEOPLE SO WHY THE F*&K ARE THE DEMANDING SHIT FOR PEOPLE THEY DON’T EVEN ASSOCIATE WITH!!
I completely lost it! My mom held me down and was like Sundeep these are your in laws you cant freak out like this, But one after another each person in my family was like WTF! My mom and biji had asked Sunny’s mom for a Wedding Suit list so many times, but to their surprise they never expected this kinda stuff to be on the list. My Biji had previously told Sunny’s mom she wanted a list of how many family members we need to buy suits for and that we would give gold rings to the uncles, but that’s it, we never agreed to any gold karah for the Maamaay nor did we ever say anything about splitting the reception and never in a million years did we expect them to demand a bed room suite! Like you live in Canada not in a PINDH!
After about an hour I couldn’t hold my self together I Called Sunny! I started crying and freaking out at him! Sunny knew my dad lost his job cause, a week after the engagement my dad was rushed to the emergency because of an ulcer attack. Sunny knew my dad was the only person that provided income in my house and with him not able to ever go back to work things were tight in my house. I cried to Sunny and was like why did we get this list! If this is a business transaction for his family I need to know right now, because I cant be buying his mom bed room suites to get married, I am not willing to pay to entre your household, I bitched and cried for an hour, then I told Sunny if you want me, I wont spend a dollar from your parents and I wont spend a dollar from my parents, take me to court and that’s it, at the time all Sunny kept saying way “no babe its not like that, I do want to be with you! Let me talk to my parents ill get the bed taken off the list and the reception party”, I told him that day so many times, I am like Sunny your mom broke us up once before she will do it again, if you don’t defend me, and he was like babe chill your over thinking things, we can fix this and that!
February 3 2011 at 10:12pm Report
The next morning my mom called Pinky and was like “Panji thank you for the list, we will try to follow it as much as we can, but we cant promise it exactly as it is” and Pinky was like what does that mean? My mom once again politely said “Panji we will do as much as we can afford” and then Pinky is like “ WELL LET US KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO COVER THE LIST, WE WILL DO THE WEDDING THEN” my mom kept her mouth shut and was like “panji this rishta was built from our kids pyar lets not change the foundation of this rishta” Pinky was like “I need to talk to my brothers, I cant say anything else right now, all I know is if the list cant be fulfilled then the wedding cant happen”
Mean while Sunny texted me at work and was like babe lets stay out of this let the parents deal with all this, so I was like ok, But soon as I got home I called sunny and everything changed.
Sunny’s like “Babe the list shouldn’t have to change, there nothing on there that my parents are wrong about, people ask for car’s and trucks we are only asking for a bedroom suit! He’s like my Maamaay are big land lords they deserve gold karah, I don’t know why your parents are trying to have a power struggle with my parents, what are you parents trying to prove! Why are your parents ruining our relationship?” Then he’s like your parents have so much land in India tell them to sell it, and your parents have Condo’s in Canada, I am surprised they cant do this much for your wedding!” I was in shock the night before he was fighting with me now he was fighting against me, I couldn’t believe he would look at my parents land and property like it was mine, or perhaps they owed it to him. When I argued back he’s like “I cant believe your loyalty lays with your parents, you should be taking my parents side, cause they are your new parents” I was like Sunny last time when you ditched me two years ago my parents were there for me, when your parents rejected me, My parents were there for me, for the last 25 years my parents were there for me. Sunny please don’t fight with me, the only way we can solve this is, if me and you stand together and we let our parents battle alone, soon as you take your parents side ill have to do the same and we will be spilt” after that sunny decided he need a week to figure things out.
All week his mom called my house changing her mind, first day she said “My brothers say if the kids want to get married then so be it, but Pinky you should take all your shit and move out, but before you go take all your stuff back from Sundeep” then she went on to say “why wont you give my brother Karay?” my mom was like panji we can only do as much as we can afford but if you want to do anything above and beyond that then “panji your more than welcome to give your own family members more than what we can afford”, ( my mom never said anything rudely for my sake, as she didn’t want this to back fire at me in the future, my mom kept calm the entire time) then Pinky was like so are you trying to say my relative have no ijjaat (respect) my moms like that was not what I meant, I am saying we cant afford it, then pinky is like well these ppl are Sundeeps Relatives now too, and my mom was like that’s fine, but they are your relatives first so if you want them to receive more than we can give then your more than welcome to do soo” Pinky’s reply to that was “if your not willing to give the list then your trying to say our relatives have no ijjat in your house, so we are not welcome there either” so pinky blew what ever my mom said and twisted everything around, and God knows what she told Sunny! The next day she called my mom again and was like grab a pen and paper and my mom was confused, and pinky started listing things off
I want back….$20 I gave to Harvin, $40 Misha (sundeeps Niece) $20 Sundeeps Cousin, $100 I gave to Sundeep for her bday $50 bucks my brother gave her, $20 she got from my sister in law, the list went on to say she wants the gold set she gave me at the engagement back, she gave me a gold ring for the rokh, she gave me two cotton suites, and another suit Sunny’s mami gave me, I want it all back but Sundeep can keep the engagement suit cause its to tall it wont fit me! I want all of Sundeep’s shaagun money back too that she got from the engagement!
Then my Biji Freaked out and grabbed the phone and was like what’s wrong with you, if you gave us shit we gave our daughter shit on the engagement too, and she’a like no you guys barely gave anything, and then shes like if you have such a problem with me asking for my stuff back then pay for half the engagement too! My Biji was like we had 50 people you had 200 guests we are not paying for half! And you cannot have Sundeeps shaagan back! Pinky’s like I know how to get money back from people so don’t test me biji!
The next day she called again, to emphasize how we did her Bassetti, because we promised we would do lenn daann at the wedding and now we are not agreeing to it, so this is bessatti for Sunny’s family! My biji was like stop acting like someone did your besstti, we didn’t do shit you’re the one who is asking for all the shagaan back, stop saying random stuff, if you were in India ppl would charge for demanding Dowry! And the only list we agreed to was a suit list.
February 3 2011 at 10:13pm Report
Then after hearing the words “court and dowry charges” from my biji, Pinky panicked. The next morning she called to say “Sorry she should of never asked for anything”, but then within the next 20 minutes she was like “actually I want everything back except Sundeeps Ring! Cause Sunny paid for that so I don’t want that” (My family actually started to think she was bipolar, as she was changing her mind everyday)
This went on for a week straight, every single day Pinky would call and change her plans, and I don’t doubt anything my mom and Biji told me cause after the first day that I didn’t believe them, they started recording her phone calls, for me to listen too. I was in disbelief that the same lady that was begging me to forgive her the day she came to my house to do the rokh was saying this kind of stuff!
While this war was taking over my family, Sunny and me were still not talking. Finally Sunday came (1 week after he has asked for a 7days of no talking so he could think) I finally msgd him after waiting all day, and I was like “babe what are we going to do with this mess” And he replied saying “ Babe I want my parents to get there fair share back, what ever they put into the engagement just give it back to them, keep the ring cause I gave it to you, soon as my parents get their shit back, me and you will make plans to live alone and do our thing” at the moment I was the happiest girl in the world, my husband to be ACTUALLY CARED ABOUT ME! At that time I didn’t care what or how I would do this but all I knew was that I had to support him, so I told my parents that he was on my side and he cared about me, it was possible that his parents were giving him a hard time at home and he was stressed out too, so I wanted to give them half the money for the engagement.
The next day Sunny calculated the entire engagement costs abt $12,000 I asked my parents for $6000. The next day Sunny started messaging me weird msg’s about how I should make it cash or a draft, and he kept bringing it up every couple of hours, I told like rather give a cheque so I have paper trail and he kept saying “no no cash is better”.
Later that night I called him four times and he kept texting me back saying he will call me later, then finally he’s like “Babe I promised my mom I wouldn’t directly speak to you until she gets her money, so get her the money first then we can speak” I was in shock how could you take an oath not to talk to you fiancé!! How could your mom ask you to do such a thing! Especially when I am trying to so hard to help you! I went crazy on him, I was like how do I know your wont take the money and run off to India with your mom on Sunday, (that same week his mom and sister were planning to go to India!) I was like how can I trust that your are not just saying all this “move out stuff” to get the money from me? Then his tone started to change again, he’s like “My parents deserve priority in my life they have done everything for me, if they want their money first then that’s how its going to be, and I told you to keep the ring so you know I wont go anywhere”, blah blah It went on and on about how his parents begged for my rishta, so he owes them everything! It all sounded like the same shit his mom had said earlier in the week. I reminded him again, “Sunny your mom broke us up once before don’t let her do it again”, and then he replied, “give her the money and we will be fine”.
On Wednesday I got my parents to make me a draft for $6000.00, and my parents advised me that if his mom wanted to get the gold set and suits back she would have come get it from the house, and I am not allowed to drop it off at the Maamaa’s house. So I did what I could do for Sunny and got the money ready, I messaged him Wednesday to ask him which account I should deposit the money into, he never replied, I msgd him on Thursday and I still got no reply, I msg him again on Friday and he rudely replied saying “if you really wanted to give anything back to my parents you would of dropped it off at my Maamaa’s house in Calgary by Wednesday, So stop making a joke out of my parents, you better drop off the money before she goes to India or don’t bother returning anything at all!”
I was speechless! But I still messaged him, asking him for the account number but he never replied!
That was the last I heard from him, He hasnt msgd or called me since. Couple of week after parents saw me crying, they told me they would sell the land for my sake, if that’s what Sunnys parents want, just to see me happy, but what was the guarantee that sunny’s mom wouldn’t stir up problems again in my life later?.....
I cried for weeks wondering why my fiancé wouldnt talk to me, why wasnt he fighting for me. Two years ago when we dated he broke up with me because his mom wanted a “India Gir”l, I was in depression for 2 full years! There wasn’t a day I didn’t cry or pray for him. Then after two years when I finally moved on and met someone else he came running back into my life, claiming he couldn’t live without me and he was sorry for messing up. Blind in love I believed him. Then we got engaged, and now here I was wearing his ring in my left finger, wearing it with pride thinking he gave it to me out of love.
Couple of weeks later my parents decided I needed to get out of here and figure out my life, my mom decided I should spend some time away from Canada, I told her I didn’t want to go especially if Sunny was alone in Edmonton without his mom, I felt bad that he would be stressed out all alone.
My mom was like “Sundeep Your are not engaged anymore, Sunny’s mom said the rishta is off, Sunny’s dad said it too, and Sunny hasn’t talked to you in weeks! The sooner you accept this truth the better off you will be” how could I believe my mom, I had already started to count down the days till my wedding, we already had the Gudwara booked, the reception hall was booked, I already scanned my slide show pictures, I already wrote my reception schedules I had my photographers booked and videographers booked, I even had my wedding cards printed!
How could my mom say such a heartless things to me! I was in denial, I didn’t want to believe it, How could I believe my Sunny would do that to me, I kept telling my mom “No mom Sunny told me to keep the ring, that means he’s just stressed out but he will come back to me in a couple of days, once his moms’ stress is gone, he will be able to think clearly once his mom is gone to India, trust me he loves me, he cant live without me!” I have been telling my mom this for thelast couple of months now, Everyday I sit there laughing in front of my mom and then when she’s gone I cry in fear, fear that he might not come back. In Fear that she might be right!
On Thursday November 4th I found from a reliable source that Sunny Sran went to India on Sunday October 24th,2010 with his mom and sister. Before he left he said the wedding was off because “my parents didn’t fufill their commitments to his parents” and that my parents knew about a list, just they just weren’t willing to sacrifice enough for their daughters wedding”. I don’t know what part of dowry seems normal to the Sunny, I don’t know how he forgot about me and made this a business transaction, and I don’t know how he could expect my parents to marry into a house where daughter in laws are not even treated like daughters, but some where along the way he got brain washed to believe this break up was about disrespect, my family disrespecting his parents buy not providing the full list. If spending money means respect to their family it makes me wonder what relationships mean to these people.
S2 (Sunny to the power of 2) ended on Sunday October 24th, 2010 due to dowry issues, Sunny never even called to inform his fiancé that he was leaving the country and nor did I get the chance to say Goodbye.
Let this engagement be a lesson for everyone, Relationships should not be measured in dollar amounts nor does bullying ever get you anywhere. The engagement ring was suppose to represent Sunny’s love for me not represent his monthly income!
February 3 2011 at 10:13pm Report
At the end of the day There wasnt anything his mom ever said that for one moment would make anyone think she wanted this rishta to work, not once did she say anything about how we should still try to make this work. Or anything in regards to how we can work around this list issue! Negativity after negativity! If his mom had even once said “we want sundeep, we don’t care about all this other shit” I would of counted my lucky stars and gotten double the stuff on the list for his family. If his mom was even the least bit thoughtful towards me, my parents would of actually sold land to give the entire list and more. But soon as they saw his mom’s attitude towards me they knew what your intention really were.
All I know is Sunny better work on your excuses for breaking this relationship, cause “her family backed out on their commitment towards us” isn’t as good as he makes it seem.
Sugar coating the situation never changes the truth, it is over dowry and I hope his Indian traditional family knows dowry is illegal!
It is only considered a gift if it is not a precondition to a marriage. However his mom made it a condition to our marriage thus it is a dowry!
Soon as 2011 started i promised myself i would respect myself and my family and only learn from this experience, and that is why i am sending this email to everyone because i want people to be aware of dowry, no girl ever thinks her wedding will get canceled over something like this, but it happened to me, and i was so in love with Sunny that i never saw past their greedy personalities, i want people to read this and watch out for their daughters and sisters in the future.
Thanks for listening to my s2 love storey, I guess all love stories don’t have a happy ending after all
